First Principles — Issue #52

How To Be The Person People Hate

There is an advantage to being liked.

People want to be around you more, they think of you first when opportunities come up, and you gain leverage by making people feel good.

I know that sounds sociopathic to say it that way, but it's true. Goodness, good energy, and being a team player is just as beneficial to you as it is to the entire team. It's a mutualistic relationship.

On the other hand... Being an asshole causes the opposite.

People avoid you, they focus on your negative qualities, and you don't get opportunities. Even if you're an incredible engineer you will get worse opportunities if you're an asshole.

It would be nice if the workplace worked completely on merit, but that's not the case. People are people and they will do people things.

I've worked with my fair share of jerks, and there are the 3 things most team drainers seem to do. People on the team avoid them, they make work less enjoyable, and in general, they kill morale.

Here are the 3 things I consciously try to avoid doing:

1. Constantly Complain

Occasional complaints are part of life, but the key lies in being selective about what you choose to vocalize. Excessive complaining can lead to your concerns being ignored, and over time, people may start actively avoiding you. We've all heard the story of "The Boy Who Cried 'Wolf'". That story exists for a reason.

Continuously highlighting only the negative aspects of every situation is draining for your teammates. Negativity erodes the team's enthusiasm, kills morale, and strains relationships. Imagine if in every meeting, rather than discussing potential solutions or acknowledging progress, you focus solely on what’s going wrong – tight deadlines, insufficient resources, or perceived team inefficiencies.

This behavior not only casts a shadow over the team dynamic but positions you as a constant source of pessimism and negative emotion rather than a proactive problem-solver. Striking a balance between constructive criticism and positive acknowledgment can foster a healthier, more collaborative working environment.

2. Only Interact Through Mediums

Before escalating a matter to a manager or involving another coworker, ask if the situation warrants a personal conversation. There are scenarios where confrontation doesn't make sense, but simple questions or concerns like "Could you help me set this up?" or "I noticed the code change last week took a bit longer, is everything okay?" are best addressed personally.

Relying on indirect communication channels, such as emails or third parties, will lead to misunderstandings and erode trust. For example, imagine the confusion when a coworker learns from a manager about an issue you never discussed directly with them. People don't like it when you go behind their backs.

This creates an atmosphere of secrecy and mistrust. Colleagues may begin to wonder what else is being said behind their backs. Clear, direct communication is key to maintaining transparency and trust within a team.

3. Defend All Criticism Without Consideration

When you get criticized about your work, it's easy but not helpful to get defensive right away. The issue with that is avoiding the criticism completely, not trying to understand the real issue, and blaming the person who criticized you will make things worse.

Getting defensive stops helpful conversations and can create a bad atmosphere. If a coworker says your report could use more data, quickly saying they're wrong and criticizing their work just makes things tenser. Instead, try to see things from their point of view.

Often, when people give criticism, they just want to be listened to and understood. They might be trying to help the team, not make you look bad. By listening, asking questions to clear things up, and thinking about what they're saying, you can change tricky situations into chances to learn and make the team work better together.

You don't always have to change your actions. Sometimes just hearing the criticism is good enough.

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